Monday, March 26, 2012

Letting go

I've been letting go of stuff.  Throwing it away, giving it to friends, donating it to good will.
 And, I've done the seasonal stuff switch; put most of the cooler weather toys away and bringing out warmer weather toys.

 But this group of things has been a struggle.  Because of what it represents.  Potty seats, ginormous diaper bag, breast pump, and other baby necessities.  Things that if you were going to have another baby, you would keep.  But we're not.  So there's no reason to keep them.
I'm back on birth control, and strike depending, Bry-D is going to get snipped sometime this year.  That's what is so painful about this part of the attic cleanup.  Bry-D doesn't want anymore children, while I desperately want more.  And it's hard to give it up.  I've always wanted lots of kids.  Always.  When we were first together he said 1, maybe 2.  I said 4, maybe 6.  I didn't even want to be on birth control, but there were health reasons for it.  And I kept asking for more kids, more kids.  And he's never budged.  If we had a more worldly view, we would have probably parted ways over it, since neither of us wanted to give in.  But we have a Christ view of things, and that means one of us had to give in.  While Bry-D wholly admits his reasons are primarily selfish, he's not cruel or mean about it.  I'm sure there are plenty reading this saying if he loved me he'd give in, while others are siding with him.  I don't blame him nor am I angry at him for having a different desire. That's like being mad he has a different favotire color, or wants a different car.  For most of our marriage, we've always wanted the same thing.  And that, too, adds to the difficulty of giving up what I want.  For weeks I prayed and prayed for guidance, what to do,

and God said, "Submit". 

Which is what it came down to - trusting Bry-D's leadership that this is the right thing, and trusting God that if it isn't, He'll take control of the situation.  Because that's what submitting really is - trusting.  Have you ever done those team building activities where you fall backwards onto the arms of the others?  You submit to them your safety - you trust them to catch you.  And so, I told Bryan I'd go back on birth control.  But it was still difficult.  All I could think of was what I wasn't going to have ever again.  And how much it aches inside.  So back to praying and praying for guidance, what do I do?

  And God said, "Be Thankful".

It makes it so much easier.  Being thankful for my extremely healthy kids.  My happy kids, my loving husband,  my home.  So, so much, so many blessings.  But it's still difficult to load these things in the car, take them out and place them in someone else's hands.  Does a part of me still hope and pray for a surprise baby -ABSOLUTELY- I won't lie.  But submitting and being thankful for what I have is what I've been told to do, and that's what I'll strive for.  I can be happy for others that are having babies, whether the 1st to the 5th or beyond, because I don't want to detract for what a joyous thing it is, to be a parent.  I may never have another baby of my own, and someday, I'll be at peace about that.  But I'm not yet.  Like so many things, this is something I'll have to give up to God to change about me, because I can't do it.

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