Decisions

I obsessed for several days about JBPAC. I couldn't have explained why the whole situation was so important to me, but it was. Then, after a few days, I realised that as usual, it was very simple. I don't want to work there. However, I don't want to go back on my word. I said I would be there. I said I would do things. I didn't think about how that would affect the rest of my life, or my children. After I spoke with Bry-D about it, he agreed that I should sit down with JB, the owner of JBPAC, and give her notice that I wouldn't be working there, and why. I haven't thought about it to much since, which left babysitting for my sister. Again, after talking with Bry-D we agreed I just needed to have some sort of guideline for whether I would babysit or not-did I babysit for her the week before, or was the week before really hectic? Is it a full day or more than one full day in the same week? Things like that. Things I should have been asking myself from the start, which would have kept me from getting so committed. Then again, I wouldn't have realised how important being at home is to me. I don't mean that I just realised how thankful I am to be a SAHM-I am, but that's not the point. The point is that I now value physically being in my house. Over the past 2-3 years, I would often think, I need to be home more, then go on the same way. This summer I really learned how important it is to be home. In the house as much as possible. Getting groceries, going to the Post Office, things of that nature are really the only things that are truly necessary. Dance class, MOPs, those are fun, but not really necessary. Which brings me to my newest dilemma. In this journey of self discovery, and finding that I want to be home, the extra things that I really want to do, which are Dance class for Eliz and MOPs for the both of us, contradict Lex's schedule. Both activities happen during the time Lex eats. It's really 3 activities, since Eliz takes a tumbling class and a dance class. So, now I'm not really sure what to do-try and feed the little guy while we're out and about? See if I can change her classes to a time/day that doesn't interfere with Lex eating? Ugh. Having priorities and keeping them can be difficult to do, I'm discovering.

Time wasted, time lost

I don't waste a huge amount of time, but I also don't have very much time. Time is becoming more and more precious to me. I need to rephrase that. You can't manage time anymore than you can manage gravity. You can't decide to walk off the roof and walk straight ahead, or go up, nor can you make travelling 30 miles take 5 minutes one day and 15 minutes the next. You can, however, manage what you do. Your tasks. Your activities. There are not many activities in my life that are, how to put it into words...unimportant?...no, wasteful?...almost...just not the best for me. And as much as I want to accomplish, I have to weed out the things that aren't fruitful, beneficial, or working towards something. In the end, if they aren't helping me accomplish a goal of some sort, why should I do it? None of these things are bad, or wrong, but as I said, I have alot to do, and they just aren't something I need to do. So, Bye-Bye Facebook. See You Later Hulu(and all other tv shows), Adios Ebay & Amazon. People think that not having a tv cuts you off, or makes it harder to spend time doing nothing. In reality, the Internet makes _everything_ more accessible, dangerously so. You can watch/find whatever you want, whenever you want. I've spent hours searching ebay and amazon for the cheapest whatever(that I more than likely don't need), so now I'm only getting on there if Bry-D agrees it's something worth taking the time for. Since he's so cheap, I probably won't be on there much, if ever. I use Bry-D as my filter. If I'm not sure about something, I call him, unless it's a rather girly thing, such as, for my everyday around the house shoes, should they be black or colorful? For those things, I call my sister. She's as cheap as Bry-D, but understands the necessity of style. I've made a little sign that says "Say No!" and I set it in front of the computer and it sits there all day. When I do sign on, I set a timer, and give myself between a half hour and 45 minutes. Just simply having the computer turned off helps alot, and I've considered unplugging it, just to give myself the extra step of inconvenience.

So, what will I be doing if I'm no longer getting on Facebook, Ebay, Amazon, Hulu? For starters, I'm taking care of business. My first priority is my family, and their basic needs-food, clothing and shelter. In the last 18 months my routines have shattered, and with a new child in the mix, I need to change up the routine anyway. My next priority isn't one I really want, but I've committed myself to working @ JBPAC, and getting things organised. This is only for the next 7-9 months, but if I can find a way out, I will be taking it. I just don't like anything that takes away from being with my family, or taking care of my family. What am I passionate about? My family. What am I passionate about doing? Taking care of my family. Which brings me to the next commitment I've got-babysitting for my sister. As with JBPAC, the only reason I don't want to do it is because it takes me out of my house and away from what I really want to be doing. With both obligations, I really enjoy what I'm doing, I make a little money, and the kids enjoy it, it's good for them, so I can say that there's nothing wrong with either of them. I just don't want to do anything that takes me away from my home! There are so many things I want to do, need to do, and everything I've listed takes me away from what I want to do. Not that I never want to babysit for my sister, I just don't want to be her main person. And JBPAC, well, that's another can of worms. Timer's going off, so I'm going to go. I'll come back later.