I just can't believe he's mine!

There are several differences in my love for Lex and Eliz. Some because One is my firstborn, and some because they are different gender. The differences because of first/second status surprise me. I was so neurotic with Eliz, and I felt entitled to my neurosis, b/c she was my first child. And I don't worry about Lex like I did Eliz, at all. I always assumed the worst with Eliz, simply because...well, I don't know. Also, I didn't know how to enjoy Eliz. For all my expericence with babies, I had no idea how to enjoy my little one. Not to mention that I didn't start staying home with her until she was 6 months old. It breaks my heart to think of what I missed in that short time. Her sweet smiles and begining sounds all went to her daycare providers. They got to tell me when she did something new, instead of me experienceing it myself! And to think, I was actually upset that I was going to be staying home with her! I was so mad about the whole thing. Funny how things change.

I remeber watching my sister change Eliz's diaper when she was about 3 months old, she laughed and played with her, chewed her toes, and talked to her. I watched in amazement as my sister enjoyed my daughter. But I felt so inadqute at the whole thing, like I wasn't doing it right somehow. Now I know your children are very simliar to you, and oftentimes, what you enjoy, they enjoy. The difference in Lex and Eliz as a son and a daughter surprised me too. I always wanted to sit and play with Eliz. I remeber when she wasn't quite sitting on her own, I practiced her sitting, and having a tea party with her in my lap. I enjoyed cuddling with her, but I always looked more forward to our playtime. It seems all I want to do with Lex is snuggle up. And when I hold him, I can't get enough of kissing and smelling him. My sister said she thought that some of that comes from the fact that there's some transfer of your husband in your son.

Some simliarities-just like with Eliz, I don't know how I lived w/o him. Wasn't he always a part of my life? I love watching his personality emerge, and I can't wait to see the person he'll become.

There's the awe that he lived inside me,and is a part of both Bry-D and me. Which just seems impossible to understand sometimes.