2014 the year to transform

It's been a year since my last post.  Well, longer than that, really, because I've kept track of the time.  It was a few weeks, then a month, a few months.  Then longer.  It wasn't a planned hiatus, no, not like I sat, saw the direction I was going and knew blogging was something I would be giving up for 2013.  I mentally composed so many posts, took so many pictures, and yearned to be here.  Yearned to share, but I was so busy spinning my wheels.  Running and running and never going anywhere.

I picked my One Word for 2013, FINISH, because that's all I've wanted for so long.  To finish what I've started.  To finish anything, a book, a personal devotional, on some days just my own thoughts, a project.  Ah, to be finished, a sense of accomplishment from a job done.  Yes, I was at the point that things didn't need to be done well anymore, they just needed to be done, gone, away from me. So FINISH was my mantra.  It was June 2013 when I started to feel it.  The little niggling in the back of my mind.  A hint, a teensy tiny feeling, slowly blooming into a realization.  A realization that, apparently, God knew about 20 years ago.  Funny how He does that, eh?  20 years ago(yeesh I'm getting old) at the ripe old age of 15, I gave my life to Christ, and felt dirty.  There was no, I feel so great, Jesus has washed me clean.  I felt vile.  I felt horrifying.  I was such a sinner, so much more than anyone else.  I was a silly girl, I know that now.  But then I felt dark and ugly and disgusting. 

In His abounding love, God provides. 

 

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new has come!

 

I held on to that for dear life.  As I struggled, as I fought my way through the mire of Satan's lies that I was vile, and always would be.  That I would never change, could never change.  I was going to be the same failure, forever.  But God, He changed me, He grew me.  And it was 20 years later, I had a tattoo of a butterfly as a symbol of how God's changed me, made me new.  But something was off, I realized.  I didn't believe it.  I didn't live it.  It was a slow realization.  I saw more and more of how often I beat myself near to death, near daily with the statements

 

"Still the SAME"  "NEVER Different"  "No Change" 

 

It took me awhile, months, actually to further dig into this realization.  That it was a lie. A lie that had prevented me from moving forward for years.  When did I start hearing it?  I don't know, it has been a part of me for so long, I can feel its absence. No wonder I couldn't reach any goal I set; I sabotaged myself with my own thoughts!   But its over, done, FINISHED.  I won't believe it anymore.  That doesn't happen instantly though.  I'm going to need more than a conviction.  In the last month, I've been searching for the word for 2014, the year that I stop believing Satan's #1 lie for me. 

 

After much prayer and some discussion with Bry-D, I picked Transform.  I've been in conference with God these last few weeks more than ever.  He's been so great, gently leading me, showing me exactly what must be done for me to stop believing Satan over Him. 

 

Romans 12:2

 

 

A renewed mind, one that immediately dismisses the false belief that I will always fail. A mind set on Christ, on things that are Christ-like.

2 Corinthians 10:5

...we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 

 

I must be in charge of my thoughts.  I must take the initiative to STOP the cycle of belief, or unbelief. Belief of lies, unbelief of the truth.  I must renew my mind, literally.  I have to stop those negative demeaning thoughts from even happening.  But how? 

 

Ephesians 4:22-24

But you were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

 

 

Put off, put on.  I have to replace the un-Godly thoughts with Godly thoughts.  Again, how? 

 

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things

 

Take the lies, find the truth, but don't stop there!  If I tell myself I'm a failure in a situation, don't stop with telling myself I'm not a failure, find something noble, something right, something pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy to remove any leanings towards my enemy.   
Incidentally, when I'm angry at Bry-D, I use this verse.  I have to find something true & noble about him, and then each word following.  It's very hard to hold a grudge against a guy when you've just told yourself 7-8 things that make him wonderful.

 

And so, my plan for this year, 2014, the year for me to transform, is very simple.  Not because I want it to be, I actually pushed God really hard to give me more, something more complex.  But He, like Bry-D, subscribes to the KISS method. 

Everyday, I must PRAY for the Holy Spirit to renew my mind.  Everyday, I must make statements to myself about myself that counter the lies I've been telling myself.  And, daily, I must memorize His Word to combat those lies as well. 

 

So, three things.  That's it.  And none of them are even that hard to remember or do!  What's up with the simplicity?  Isn't a great work of God supposed to be all flashy and intricate?  Or at least more difficult?  No, I guess not.

 

I want to say I'll be back soon, and I'll tell you all about 2013, because that's what I want, to be here.  But I don't know what will happen, so I'll just say, thanks for being here, hope I get to share this year with you!

A picture is worth a thousand words

But a matched set is priceless.  The paper in the top picture says, 'Proof of

Hemorrhoids reading.' The paper on the bottom picture says, "Hemorrhoids revenge" 

Would you like to hear one of my stories? 

Alright, then, here it is.  I am an obsessive reader.  There's a bit of a story as to why that is, too.  But we'll stay on task today and talk about that later.  When I was 10-12 years old, I had noticed that when someone, *cough* Dad, went into the bathroom with reading material and turned on what I thought of as the noisy light, he could be in there for-ev-er, and no one tried to get him out.  In a house with five females and 2 bathrooms, this was a big deal.  To be able to read without having to do my chores or be bothered, I would turn on the noisy light(don't worry, by the time I was 22 I knew what it really was for) sit and read.  For hours, or just a half hour.  When my family figured out what was really going on, they all thought I was actually sitting on the toilet the entire time I was in there, when I was really on the floor or in the bathtub reading.  Out of concern for my well being, my father said, "You can't keep doing that, you'll get hemorrhoids."  Well, I didn't know what that was, and neither did The Quilter; but we did know it was associated with the toilet, and anything that is preceded by "or you'll" is Not. Good.  And thus, The Quilter had a way to get me out of the bathroom, fast.  She would stand outside the bathroom door and, in the exact same tone and volume as Bill Cosby saying 'Hey, Fat Albert!' She would shout,

 

"HEY HEMORRHOIDS!!" 

 

And as long as I wasn't actually using the bathroom, I would come running out, ready to attack.  And that's where the picture comes from.  The Quilter thought I was in there reading, grabbed the camera, threw the door open, and clicked the picture. But I wasn't just reading, I was also actually using the bathroom. Thanks goodness I was wearing my footie jammies with a booty opening! Otherwise it could have been REALLY embarrassing! Also, if you could please disregard my 'fro, that was my mother's doing.  How did I get this picture?  My Mom found it, and knew just what to do with it, so we all got a copy.

 

What about the other picture?  That is from our sister trip.  I told The Quilter I wouldn't blog that picture, but if I'm posting a picture of myself on the toilet, The Quilter is going down with me! In that post, I mention that on our last night of Sister Trip 2011, The Quilter falls down in the hallway & had trouble getting to the room.  Here's what I didn't tell you.  As she dragged herself to the room, and once in the room, she wouldn't stop going on about how she must have an awful bruise on her butt.  Later she's in the bathroom, I assume bent over checking her bruised behind, and I get the idea to take a picture of her, bent over and holding her butt while looking in the mirror.  So, I throw open the door and click the camera.  The picture ended up being of the extremely messy counter top and sink, my aim was off.  But, I sat on floor laughing, b/c The Quilter was not, in fact, checking her bruise.  She was sitting on the toilet, using it.  The Nurse comes over to see why I'm laughing so hard, and she falls to the floor with me.  The whole time The Quilter is going off on us indignantly.  I raise the camera to get a new, better photo, and The Quilter(still muttering indignantly)starts rummaging around the counter top, looking for a towel.  She somehow finds one that's still folded, and as she whips it out to cover herself and foil my photo op, she realises it is a washrag, and barely reaches her knees.  Ah, such a wonderful moment in my life!

As soon as I saw the other photo, I knew exactly what I was going to do.  If ever you come to my house and use the front bathroom, when you leave it, you'll see these two photos; and now you know the story.  And yes, I do realise this is the second story I've told you about me and a toilet.  Ah, well, you can't hide everything!

The next story

I didn't do everything perfect in our run in with CHC.  I texted Bry-D to please pray, we were having drama, and then, when he kept texting but I couldn't talk, I texted, "The police are here, it'll be over soon."  He, of course was just fine and not at all concerned by that reply. 
  Yeah, no, he wasn't.  He requested that I call him, NOW.  So I did; and I explained everything, and he lectured me on proper alerting to drama procedures, which, I guess is, DON'T.  Well, serves him right for ruining my funny story earlier.  I should have known from our years together that stirring the pot with him was a bad idea.  *sigh*

After several fun hours on the beach, which I'll share with you in the next post, we headed back to the incredibly nice and new hotel A & the Nurse found.  We got the kids cleaned up, ordered pizza, all was well. 

A little bit about me, before Bry-D and I were married, we lived in Panama City, and worked on the Beach.  We came back to Indiana to get married and stayed.

As I'm eating pizza, my phone rings.  Having lived in PCB, I knew it was a from Panama City.  So I answered, not being sure what could be going on.  The man on the phone identified himself as Officer Someone-I-don't-remember, and said this was a follow up call in case the event from earlier was taken to small claims court.  I start answering his questions, but I KNEW his voice.  I knew, I knew his voice.  But who was he?  If this was a prank call, there was only one I guy I knew that would do it, and he didn't have a southern accent.  Then, the "officer" said, "Ma'am, in my experience, people from Indiana are horrible liars."  Absolutely positive now that it was prank, and unbelievably angry that I still hadn't figured out who it was, I snapped, "Well, I'm So-rry!"  Then he chuckled, and I knew, as he said it, who it was.  "Peggy, it's Windsor."  Bry-D's brother from a different mother.  The only person not related to Bry-D that loves him as much as I do.  Long-lost Windsor.

This dude.

Yes, he was in our wedding.  Yeesh, we were skinny back in the day!

And here he is STEALING my husband(and not even a day of being my husband!) and putting him in the trunk of a car.  They drove off in a cloud of dust, and everyone says the look on my face was, 'They're coming back any minute, right?'

I'd give him a nickname like I do everyone else, but, That Crazy Guy That's Somehow Still Alive is just too long.  As I said, he was long lost, because a few years ago, they moved & we moved and no-one had the correct numbers.  Which is why I didn't know he & his family live in Panama City now, and I didn't know he & Bry-D had (finally) found each other on Facebook that morning, and had talked after I told Bry-D about CHC, which is when Bry-D asked him to "get me".  And so, my response was,

"I love you and I hate you so much right now!"  We started talking, and my sisters wanted to know what in the world was going on.  Giddy with excitement, I explained, and A, who knows Windsor from trips to Florida, was just as surprised and excited.  We met up the next day.

Like an idiot, I didn't get a picture of us together.  As Windsor said, he likes his BBQ.  And if we lived close, we'd probably like his BBQ too.  Look for pictures of a family trip to Panama City soon.

I got a New Toy!

Bry-D gets toys through his work, and since his last toy he has been saving towards something for me. I asked for a more advanced camera awhile ago; it took him two years to save enough points for one. He was going to wait another 6 months and get another camera that had a bunch of extras, but I was tired of waiting. He found that he had enough points to get a really nice camera bag as well. So you'll recognize me, this is what I look like now.

A New Swimsuit

Last year's bathing suit was awful. It was terrible. I didn't like the style, the color, the fit. So why did I wear it? Because I couldn't find a suit that I liked, or that I could justify spending money on. But I decided that this year would be different! Yes, this year I would buy my swimsuit well in advance, I was not going to go through another summer of hating my one and only swimsuit. Then May beat me to death, and suddenly, it was the week of the 500, and the pool was opening! There I sat, no swimsuit, not even a single trip to look at them.

I had thought of them, however. Or, more specifically, what a swimsuit says about you to other people. Over the winter I saw this video. And I started to think, hey, that's a very good point. In case you don't want to watch the video, here's the summary; this girl was a model for Victoria's Secret- there's a story about that too- she's also a Believer. Once she got married, she felt God was telling her that her body should be for her husband alone. So she stopped modeling for Victoria's Secret. And as I thought about it, I thought about how sweet it would be to promise your husband, “You will be the only man to see this body- it is yours, and yours alone. As much as it is possible for me, I will not allow another man to see my body.”

As I considered this further, it occurred to me that this is very contrary to mainstream thought. Which is part of why there was interest in it. But, isn't it strange that we forget how sacred our bodies are meant to be, and how sacred sex is meant to be, and the connection between them and what we allow people that are not our spouses to see? I'm not advocating full body coverings. In Job 31:1, he said that he made a covenant with his eyes not to look lustfully at a women. How about we as woman make it easy for men not to look? Again, I'm not saying we need to wear things that are completely out of style or unflattering due to fit – we're to be in the world, not of it. So while we dress our best as the Proverbs 31 woman did, we need to be aware of how it will affect men.

I already know I'm not going to allow Eliz to wear two-pieces or bikinis, but what if I'm wearing one? I don't want to send a double message like, you have to be modest, but I don't. I also really, really, really want her to realize that she is not defined by her looks. While the world will constantly tell her to wear more and more indecent outfits, I want her to know that fitting into what media says is best will NOT bring her any joy or contentment. For me, this means no bikini, no two piece. Okay, fine, but I look weird in a one piece. Then I thought of a swim dress. I'd seen some really cute ones last summer, why not see if they'll look good on me? And so, I ordered one from Speedo, and one from Macy's. I got the Speedo one today, and the other one should be here in the next few days.

So excited! Something that I really enjoy about this swim dress? At the pool, it's all, 'Oh, that's so modest!' But if I wore something like this on a date?! People'd be saying, 'Helllloooo TRAMP!' Tee-hee, it's the little things.

My Thinking Cap

In April The Quilter threw a Princess & Knights Birthday Party for G-Man, Bonnie & Clyde.
The Quilter made these beautiful Crowns for all the girls.

Didn't she do a wonderful job?  They were so great, I grabbed one for myself.  And just to clarify, I'm not the type of girl to act like this:

And so that we're all clear, this is NOT a Tiara, nor is it a Crown, it's a THINKING CAP!

Let's be Honest

The other day I was talking to a friend and she spoke to me of myself as if I had it all figured out.  I thought, dear me, do I give off that impression?  Do people really think I have it all together?  She expounded on my many and varied abilities, and I was horrified!  Please, tell me, you don't think I actually know what I'm doing?  I have sisters and a husband and children that will tell you, I don't have a clue.  No really, it's true!  I have redeeming qualities, who doesn't, but here's some evidence, so that you all don't go thinking I'm one of those people that can do it all.

This is our front door.  It looks like this all the time.  Even if I make an effort to sweep twice a day, this corner looks filthy.

 Yes, I taught my kids to shove stuff under the dresser to make cleaning easier.  So sue me.  And the carpet in their room gets vacuumed once a month, maybe.  Maybe.

 Yeah, I dust about as often as I vacuum.  I sweep the rest of the house close to daily, but vacuuming is a lost art for me.

I could show you a picture of my car, but I have some dignity.  So now you've seen my worst housecleaning, let's talk about relationships.  Whenever I have to ask forgiveness of Bry-D it's because I was insensitive.  Almost always, I was mean or unkind, and I do it to my kids all the time!  I'm not a sensitive person, and it takes so much daily prayer for me to remember to add kindness to the truth. (You can imagine what it's like when I don't pray!) I'm great at the truth, no matter how hurtful or awful, I can tell the truth.  What I have to remember is loving kindness.  Which is probably why I spend so much time telling the kids to be kind and loving - it's what I forget the most often.  Conflict doesn't bother me, but I have to be very prayerful that I'm loving and kind in conflict - I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just blatantly honest. 

I've got the volcano temperament - I smoke and steam for a llooonnnggg time, then I explode catastrophically.  Which is so cruel to my kids, and yes, God's improving it vastly, but it still happens.  And yes, He's changed me that it's not what it was, but still, my children deserve all the love I can give, and yelling and storming out of the room is not loving.  I used to break things, but God's taken me a long way - Praise Him!!

Also, unless I'm interested in it, I don't care if it happens.  That's how my selfishness manifests - an obvious example of that is Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy.  There are those people that run around doing great acts of service for others - fixing meals, stopping by during crisis, calling to say hello for no reason.  I've thought of it, but I've never done it.  I can't say that I ever will, because the truth is, I don't really care if I do. The best I can say I do is I pray for people.  Which I guess I feel isn't as great as going and doing because prayer is easy.  Do it while your driving, cleaning (or not, as the case may be), eating, it's a no-brainer, it doesn't cost me anything.  I'm not saying prayer isn't powerful, but I'm coming from the putting-others-first perspective, getting-out-of-your-comfort zone place.

Okay, if we're going to be honest, let's get girly honest.  Here's my Celeb Crushes-

Misha Collins from Supernatural.  His character, Castiel, is hilarious, and Misha is equally funny.  Oh, yes, and he's HOTTTT.  IMO, of course.  I have to wait for Season 7 to be on Netflix, because Bryan won't let me pay to watch it on Amazon or Vudu.

No, it's not his biceps.  I actually couldn't stand him until I saw him smile in a movie. His face was made to smile.  Then I caught an interview, and he's very funny and kind. 

I'm pretty sure Bry-D knows about Dwayne, but I've never said anything about Misha.  He may think I'm still crushing on Matthew McConaughey.  I don't crush very often, but I tell him when I am, and he takes full advantage to tease me about it.  Or use it as an excuse to go watch a bunch of action movies with them in it - he really has. 

So there it is, me at my worst.  No it's not everything, but it's enough that I'd rather not post this.  Mostly b/c of the crush thing.  It's kinda embarassing that at 34 years old, I still act like a teenager.  Yup, I can admit to my character flaws, but my immaturity, egads, the Scandal!