The number one question

How am I doing?

How are we doing? 

That's what people keep asking when I run into them. And I realized that I kinda left everyone hanging as I felt better. So most people don't know how we've been.

In general, pretty well. Of course, it's me, so I can't just leave it at that. There is always a  story. My memory is pretty foggy from March of 2017 until July of this year. There are some things that I remember without trouble and some things I remember if I see a picture. But there is much more that I have no recollection of. For most of the time, after treatment ended, I kept thinking, I'm doing so much better, I'm doing great! My brain is coming back, my energy is coming back, it's all great! In May 2018 my mind started to clear up, and that bit of perspective was disheartening. I saw that things were not great. Not even close. I remember crying to Kenzie during our family vacation, 

"What if this is as good as it gets?" I was terrified that I would never get back to that strong, smart, capable woman I used to be(Or I saw myself as- I may have romanticized myself to...myself). Kenzie's response was perfect,

"I understand your fear, but I'm much more optimistic than you." I didn't believe her. I felt more hopeless then than I did during treatment. I could see who I had been, where I was and didn't know if there was any way to get back to her. 

Then, in July, my brain came back.

Not gradually. 

Oh no, I just woke up one day and my brain worked again. It was about 3 days before I figured out what was going on. It was most obvious with the kids. Apparently, for a LONG time, when I would tell them to go do something, they would walk away, get 5-10 feet from me, then walk back to me, as though I hadn't given them anything to do. And I wouldn't remember either. I know this because for three days, every time I told them to go clean their room or the bathroom or take a shower, they would walk 5-10 feet from me, turn around and walk back. Then they would be shocked that I knew they hadn't done as I'd instructed them. I think after 5 days, maybe a week, they wanted to sit down and have a discussion about how this was not how our relationship worked. I wasn't supposed to be keeping them accountable, perish the thought! If I really loved them, I would have asked you to pray for them during this difficult time of learning that they once again had an aware and present mom in their lives.

At that point, I saw just how far behind I was in everything. What all I had missed out on. Lizzie wasn't a tween anymore, I had missed that transition, she was a teenager. Xander wasn't such a little boy anymore. My children had grown and changed and I had missed it. I can't dwell on that.

Also, the house. Oh. My. Word. The house. Talk about overwhelming. 

I also saw that even though my brain had taken a huge leap, there was much still to regain. I had no executive function. That ability to see all that needed to be done, order it in my head, then execute it, was-is gone. Even the ability to get up and do the same thing every morning is gone. The temptation is to try to master everything at once, but I know enough to know that isn't feasible. So I've been trying to take on a little bit at a time. I try hard not to get discouraged, because the only way I'm going to make progress, is with time. So frustrating. There is no magic pill, no weekend seminar. Just time, and perseverance. And that's where we are now; just one day at a time, moving forward and doing our best to figure out what normal should be for us. Trying not to dwell on what cancer took from us, but to be grateful that it is over now. 

I have made the statement that I am not one of those cancer survivors that is grateful for my journey, for all that I learned about myself. I knew myself pretty well before cancer. I didn't need cancer to help me see who I was, I already knew, thankyouverymuch. 

I did learn some things. Mostly that gratitude is more about the person being grateful, not the person/people receiving the gratitude. If someone wants to thank you, and whatever you did strikes you as no big deal, don't say that. Let whoever it is come up with a way to thank you that satisfies their need. I say that knowing that I can never fully show my gratitude to so many people. People's prayers made a massive difference in all of this. While I did feel the side effects of chemo and radiation, recovering from surgery, my bloodwork always came back healthy. Dr. Smellgood would tell me that my numbers were great, or normal, and I always asked him to clarify, did he mean normal or great for someone going through chemo? Or did he mean that my numbers looked normal or great for someone not going through chemo? He would tell me they looked like a person not going through chemo. I don't think I need to explain how miraculous that is. There is only one explanation for it - your prayers. I wouldn't say that I'm a prayer warrior now; more like, a prayer believer? Having experienced the power of prayer in my life, I see it as the end all, be all. It's where I start now, and I don't stop.  Recently someone was going through a harrowing experience, and I said I'd be praying. Then I felt the need to expand on that. People often feel like prayer isn't that much- that it isn't that active, or powerful. Prayer is active, it is a verb. It is powerful, it the most powerful thing someone can do. Don't demean it by thinking that it's 'just prayer'. 

Dr. Smellgood literally said,

"We are praising God for how healthy you've been," at the end of my treatment. Perhaps because it is so powerful, that's why Satan tricks us into thinking it's not that useful. 

Again, how do I satisfy my need to show gratitude for that? There isn't enough money or words for that. 

There are the physical actions people took as well. I can't list everyone, because I don't remember it all. I do remember - Trisha went shopping for me, Kristin bought groceries and dropped them off.  Cousins that sent me coloring books(those kept me sane). Chele and Valerie took care of my kids, Michelle and my Mom homeschooled them and took care of my house. And so many people fed us. Praise the Lord for all of you. Misti and Adriane - the care packages and the trip to Disney & cruise. Gracious, looking forward to that trip got me through some of the worst days. I desperately want to go back to Disney with my family and with those beauties, Misti, Mandy & Adriane someday(Ideally it would become our annual girl trip).  I could never, never, say thank you, or do anything that will convey the depth of how thankful I am to them, or to all the other people that were there for me and my family.

 The other thing I learned was about priorities. I was a responsible adult. Not that that was a bad thing, but I didn't treat myself, ever. I mean, ever. I was not much of a priority to myself. Now, I am. That meme or statement, 

"Life is to short, buy the shoes"

That is not a joke- life is to short not to enjoy it.  One of the things my cancer survivor group talks about is mindfulness. A question they ask is if you only had today, what would you do? When you meditate on that question, you see very clearly what matters most, what you feel needs improvement, and what you want to take care of _right now_. I put many of my wants and desires on a shelf for later; and if I took anything good away from cancer, it's that you do not know if you have 'later'. Buy the shoes, tell them how you feel, do the thing that scares you. Live. Death is a certainty - but living your life is a choice. I always wanted to live my life to the fullest, but somehow it got filtered out. I want my children to live their lives to the fullest; I can't teach them that if I don't do it myself. 

And the final life lesson- relationships. I had always valued relationships and memories over most anything. But I feel like I take a hard line on things that are divisive and whether they are worth my passion or not. As a Believer, relationships are the only eternal thing we have. The people around us are the only thing we take with us when we die. They are eternal, our relationships are eternal, and therefore, deserve our passion, our heart. I want to put most of my energy in the people around me, the people I hold dear. Of course, I also have to put my energy into making sure there is food to eat and clean towels. It's a balancing act that I used to be pretty good at, and I'm prayinng I will be good at again.

In any case, choose laughter!